Sweet Words

When such sweet words are no longer enough where do we turn to?

What lies we tell our friends could not be worse than the lies we tell ourselves

The musings that we pretend are there and forced smiles we know will dodge further questioning

But to find the truth we must look no further than below the surface

It’s there just hidden behind layers of false smiles and buried in the hope no one will have to see the imperfections of our very souls

Sweet words were never enough…

This

This is SUPPOSED to be a fucking awesome spoken word piece.

This is SUPPOSED to be one of my favoritve pieces I have written.

This is SUPPOSED to be so powerful that it makes you think so hard your head hurts.

This is SUPPOSED to be filled with so much emotion that the lines on this page aren’t enough to contain the ink blotted tears.

This is SUPPOSED to be a wake up call for those who wine about what they don’t have.

This is SUPPOSED to be a reminder that there are those who don’t have the luxury of having a warm place to sleep at night.

This is SUPPOSED to be a call to action to all of you people idly sitting down as our government controls every aspect of our life.

This is SUPPOSED to be a gently caress on the cheek of your loved one.

This is SUPPOSED to be a slap on the face to that asshole who called you fat.

This is SUPPOSED to be that late night call, asking you to come over…not to fuck, but to cuddle under the blankets and kiss.

This is SUPPOSED to be about SEX!

This is SUPPOSED to be about LOVE!

This is SUPPOSED to be about HATE!

This is SUPPOSED to be about expressing yourself.

This is SUPPOSED to be good.

This is SUPPOSED to be bad.

This is SUPPOSED to be me.

This is SUPPOSED to be you.

This is SUPPOSED to be us.

This IS open thoughts.

This IS closed doors but open windows.

This IS everything you want it to be.

This IS, Poetry.

You have no right to judge me.

The same as I have no right to judge you.

Perceptions should not be the basis on which someone should come to a conclusion about another person.

This post isn't about one person in particular, however in this holiday season, I have noticed a dip in the amount of Christmas spirit. (Present company included)

This is supposed to be a time for joy, love, peace, and happiness.

Instead I see bickering, fighting, arguments, self pity, and people being secluded and alone.

But, maybe secluded is how they are happy. As I stated before, I have no right to judge or make decisions based on perceptions.

I really don't know where this post is going, just felt that something needed to be said about the lack of humanity and Holiday cheer this year.

Maybe I'm just growing up and this is how it goes from here on out... God I hope not.

If that is so though, how could so much change over one year?

Lost

Ok second post in a day and even in an hour but I have to put these up they are 2 of my newest pieces and becoming 2 of my favorites

Feeling like I’m all but invisible, cuz I know you don’t really see me

All you ever see is the words that I lay down here right in front of me

Like a shield they are something I hide behind

When all I really want is to have you here by my side

Just as long as you’re here sitting close to me, it don’t matter what we do

So let’ leave this city in the rear view if just for tonight

Take a chance lets go find out just how far we can make it on this tank of gas and the money in my pocket

Pick a place we head out tonight, quick let’s get lost tonight

There’s no place that I’d rather be than anywhere with you

Speak

I told myself I wouldn’t do this and I tried so very hard to keep you from my mind

But I find that you still fill my every thought and now you’ve even made your way into my dreams

I hate just how real it felt that night I couldn’t tell the difference between the you in my dreams and you in my reality

The scary part is not that you were there it’s that I wish I could have stayed

Seems that it’s as close as I will ever get and now even that is too far away

I told myself I wouldn’t do this again, my heart still aches from lovers come before

That I am sure will pass but this, this will never do, I wish that I could just tell you

But for reasons unknown still the words escape my tongue

Instead they’re left on pages strewn across my bedroom floor

Still there in the hope that one day I might pick them up and give them a voice to speak

Final Excerpt...

This will be the last passage from my book that I will be posting on M.I. well... for now at least.

This is a part of Chapter 2: The Best of Times

The bus ride back was much more subdued than the first ride of the day. It was my belief that this was because the enormity of that night was finally sinking in on all of us. I knew it was hitting me hard.

"Anyone else getting nervous?" Anthony asked.

"A little. But I think that it's just because I'm trying to decide on whether or not I should wear pants under my gown tonight." Jack replied.

"Oh my God Jack! Why would you even think like that? No one here wants to see your thingy." Lily said as the rest of us nodded to agree.

"What are you nervous about bud?" Charlie asked turning to Anthony.

"I guess I'm nervous about the future." Anthony said as the bus pulled into the school parking lot. We began walking back to the bike rack. "You can never really know what is going to happen tomorrow."

"But that's the fun part," I chimed in. "Life would be no fun if we knew what was going to happen next."

"Yeah, there are only three things that are certain in life. Death, taxes, and Timmy's awkwardness around women." Jack added.

"Quit being such an A-hole Jack!" Lily said smacking him in the arm with the back of her hand. "Plus, Tim has never been awkward around me, well, no more than his usual weirdness."

This was a perfect time for one of Charlie's great insults, "But you're not a woman though." We all started laughing as Lily began repeatedly hitting him.

"It was worth it." He uttered as Jack pulled Lily away.

Please Say "Yes"

Yes I am still thinking about you and I know that it’s too much to say

But I don’t know if I can put it any other way

Clocks and time pieces no longer hold meaning for me

I feel like I have too much time on my hands

Still it’s like there are not enough hours in a day

This has gotten to be too much and I have to stop it but I don’t know how

To keep from going crazy I try and put it all on paper

With pen in hand I try to fill the page with the thoughts and emotions that I am too stupid to show

I hate it because I know better than this and I know that this won’t change a damn thing

Me being me is not on a page it’s in the heart that beats inside my chest

Giving myself a chance to shine won’t come from this here pen

Instead I’m reaching out to the stars again, hoping I can pull one down to help me light my way

Won’t you take my hand, follow this here light where ever it might go

Take a chance and discover just what lies beyond that horizon?

Please say “yes” I promise you that adventure is not the only thing I can give you

Past

Trying to live the best life that I can and no one can say that I am not

I am going to hold on to new light, love and happiness

Letting go of all the the darkness, pain and sorrow that had invaded my very being

Moving on to bigger and better things, I can’t erase the past but only because reality won’ let me

Not that blotting it out would be easy so my time and energy would be better spent else where

And giving up would be too easy and I will never let it get that far

I have nothing to prove to anyone, and I have only myself to be true to

I have got a new lease on life, it ain’t perfect and it won’t be easy

But nothing I ever wanted to achieve would ever be handed to me

I had to fight, struggle and better myself to attain my dreams

To this day I fight for what I know is truth, what I find out of reach

I stretch out my arms reaching for new heights and never looking down

Not because I am afraid of the unimaginable heights but because I know

That which is past me is just that: past, done with… over

Make It A Mess

Is it written on my face or is there a neon sign that tells everyone just how much pain I am in?

I feel like you could see right through me and all my thoughts and emotions shown clearly in the light

Try and hide but I know it’s not working the guilt it cuts right through me

The pain it just might be the end of me and there is nothing in my power to stop it

I fight for ever breath that I take, this constant battle it leaves me weak and tired

I may not look it but I am battered and beaten I just hide it from you

I am lost and lonely but more scared than anything

What will you say, what will you do when you see just how broken down I am

Inside I struggle to keep it all in but my heart can take no more of this

The light I once had, the smiles I once put on no longer keep the demons at bay

I am not only a mess I make it a mess I never know what to say

But some how I make it through every day like a soldier marches on

My life is still keeping in step with the deadly cadence

How can I keep up if all I need is rest, a break from the pain

Think Think Think (Drink Drink Drink)

Well it’s obvious to see that there are lots of things on my mind

And every thought stays and stays and every dream plays and plays

Okay! So that’s enough with these killer thoughts and it’s high time I start killing these thoughts

With weapons drawn I slay these thoughts

Weapon of choice? Old No. 7. I lay these restless thoughts finally to rest

At peace with the lack of control but not sure of what to do

Breaking it down to a science:

Pour it, drink it, forget it! Think think think turns to drink drink drink

Hold it down and start over again

Morning comes and the damage is done but get up and do it again

Waking NIghtmare

On waking, eyes open, bed shaking

Nearly screaming I am trying not to lose it

Any I know you must be asking what’s got me so fucked up

But it’s like this nearly every morning

No one really knows it but I think I am going crazy

When the sun goes down and the darkness comes

The nightmares sneak and crawl and make their way inside my head

There they play over and over like strange shows behind my eyes

Untitled (for now)

Take a deep deep breath, as I try to think

Think of anything to say that might catch your notice

Something that might make you notice… well me

If only I could find a voice to tell you just how much I feel for you

If only I could give name to what exactly what it is I feel, for at this point I cannot tell

I miss you yet you’ve never been mine to miss, I think of you like nothing and no one else

My mind can find it’s way to the furthest reaches of the universe

Explore galaxies and catch rides on solar flares

My mind can take trips to the darkest depths of incredible oceans

Swim with schools of beautiful creatures

But my mind can never be too long a way from you

No matter what I do there you are just behind my eyes that smile and that sweet laugh of yours

Thought upon thought upon thought fill my brain but though upon thought won’t make things change

Still I only know you from inside my dreams

If I had a chance I would ask you for a chance to get closer to you

For a chance to learn what you hold dear, to learn what makes you smile

Give me a chance to be what you hold dear to be what makes you smile

another excerpt...

More from the book... here goes...

Within a half an hour the room had finished eating and the music began. For their first dance as man and wife, Charlie and Stacy had chosen some slow song by this trashy britpop singer that I had never even heard of. I decided to sit this one out and just do a little people watching. I was completely stunnned by the dance. The way time seemed to stand still as the complete attention of the entire room was fixed on that single couple, holding each other so lovingly, so wonderfully, centered in the spotlight. That was what I wanted, I was craving it, I needed it... Hell, I deserved it.

I tried hard to shake off those feelings, it was Charlie's big day. I had absolutly no right to cheapen the memory of that day with my self pity. So instead I sat quietly, drinking my next glass of champagne and watching as the dance floor slowly filled with more and more couples to finish off the song. All the while Charlie and Stacy still at the center of the room.

After a few more glasses of bubbly, I took to the dance floor. I was feeling nice and loose and was ready to make an ass out of myself. I made my way to the dance floor dancing with anyone that would dance with me. I wasn't having much luck. I only had the oppertunity to slow dance twice, and for one of them I had to cash in a dance that Lily had owed me since high school.

The Worst of Times

Another excerpt from my book. This is from the chapter "The Worst of Times."

As I got closer I got more and more nervous. I had the whole thing planned out in my head, but you know what they say, "if you want to make God laugh tell him your plans."

I pulled up outside and walked my way up to her door. I guess she saw me because she opened the door and invited me in before I even got to the porch. My hand never left its spot on the small blue box in my pocket.

"Hey Tim, I got something I gotta say." She started.

"Let me go first." I blurted out, and she nodded. "Well I know that we have only been dating for about eight months, but" I grabbed her hand. "I love you more than anything in the world. I have never felt this way about anyone before. I would take a bullet for you. Okay, I'm starting to ramble," I gave a small nervous chuckle.

"I guess what I'm trying to say is, I need you by my side." I got down on one knee and pulled the box out of my pocket. As I opened it I said, "Will you marry me?"

She looked down at me and her eyes started to fill as if she were about to cry. She closed her eyes for a slight second longer than a longer than a standard blink and a tear rolled down the side of her face.

"Oh my God... Tim." She started as another tear formed and dropped, leaving a tiny wet streak as it made its way down her face. "I don't know what to say."

"Just say yes Helen. That's all you need to say." My hands were shaking as my nerves grew from her hesitation.

"Tim... I'm pregnant."

My jaw dropped. "But... But... But we haven't even..." my voice trailed off in disbelief.

"I know, I'm so sorry Tim." She took a few steps back and burst into tears as I fell to my hands and knees. "I'm so sorry," she repeated.

"Just stop Helen," I told her putting the ring back in my pocket. "I love... loved you Helen. I never did anything to you, and you repay me by fucking some other guy?" I was starting to shake again, but not from nerves, from anger.

"I'm so sorry Tim." She said through her sobs.

"STOP SAYING THAT!" I shouted from my knees, I must have startled her because she jumped. "I quit school for you. I gave you my heart, I gave you everything Helen... EVERYTHING!!!" I pounded my fist on the floor. "I gotta get out of here..." I said to myself getting to my feet.

I walked out and slammed the door behind me. I just started walking down the street. I wasn't sure where I was going, I just had to get away from there. My head was swimming, it was flooded with the thoughts of the last eight months.

I soon arrived at a park. I looked around to see where I was, then I sat on one of the benches. I reached into my pockets and pulled out two things, the ring and my phone. I stared at the ring in my left hand as I used my right hand to call the one person that I could talk to at that moment. Charlie.

Guarded

Heart that is guarded behind false smiles and false assurances

Walled in by the pain, beaten and broken tears mixed with blood

Tucked away no longer worn on the sleeve of outstretched arms

Remain hidden within this chest but the safest place is still further away

Looking deep inside fear grabs hold and uncertainty digs it’s claws in

Heart so well guarded could never be reached but only set free

Walls break down brick by brick

Heart mended piece by broken and shattered piece

Heart so beautifully disastrous and dangerously fragile with a million cracks on the surface

Telling the tale of love’s catastrophe it could fall apart at any given moment

Standing alone on the pedestal with no end of loneliness in sight

Afraid not only of remaining here guarded but thin lies and fake smiles

But of taking that step off the edge not knowing if there will be a place to land

Or just more pain, more of the same

Intro

Everyone I talked to about my last post wants more of my novel... so I thought I would post the short intro to it...

Words like "best friend" and "love" are very over used in today's modern culture. Even to the point that, for some people, those words have lost all meaning. People who have only met three or four times are calling each other best friends and saying things like, "we have so much in common." Guys are telling girls that they love them no more than two weeks into their relationships.

The point of these words was originally one in the same, to seperate the people that we can honestly trust and believe in, from those who, frankly, could care less if we live or die. I know that sounds a little harsh, but in the most basic form, it is true. While it is true that you can love more than one person, and it is also true that you can have more than one best friend, every person that you know should not fall in to one of those catagories or the other.

This story is about the true meaning of a friendship, and how you can truly love another human being. This is a total work of fiction, but it does draw upon moments of my life and the lives of those around me. I am sure that some moments in this will also ring true with you in your life. If this is so, use this as a guide of sorts to knowing who your true friends really are.

I was blessed enough to learn who my true friends were at a young age. I still keep in touch with them to this day and I can honestly say that I love each and every one of them.

So again I say, use these words sparingly. They are reserved for those who are special to you in so many ways. Keep in mind who is a true friend and who you truly love and truly loves you. And most importantly enjoy it.

Take A Page From My Book...

And I mean that litterally... this is a passage from the novel I am writing. It slightly describes how I started writing.

When I got home that night I was in a writing mood. I didn't even bother eating, I just went straight into my room and turned on my radio as loud as it would go, then I grabbed my notebook and a pen. I had to write.

I sat down on my bed and stared at the blank page infront of me. My brain was racing, my thoughts bounced from Sandra, to Charlie, back to Sandra, to the potential strain this would put on the friendship of Charlie and I, and back to Sandra. I couldn't get her out of my head, everytime I tried, something pulled her back in.

I kept thinking about the way she made me feel, it felt like I couldn't breathe, but in a good way. I got butterflies in my stomach, and my head started spinning. It felt as though she had knocked me flat on my ass and I couldn't get up. The weirdest thing was, no matter how scary that felt, I couldn't get enough.

It seemed as if I had just blinked and when I opened my eyes and looked down, the page was full of words. I read through what I had subconsiously written and it was one of the best poems that I had written in a while. But even with how proud I should have been of that poem, all I could think of is how Sandra would react if I showed her. I knew she loved poetry. I wanted to show her that poem, tell her that it was written for her. But deep down I knew that I would only do the first half of that.

Back to Poems

This one is called "I Love You"

Three O'Clock in the morning
And I can't sleep again
Just thinking about you
Your voice inside my head
Same thing over and over
Remembering what you said
Three words that change lives
Uttered under your breath
These same three words
That I before had said
These same three words
Repeating inside my head
I have said them once
Now you have said them too
All that is left to say
Is how much I love you.

Lonely Walk

I went along on my long and lonely walk

One… Two… Left… Right…

I moved in step to some inaudible, unknown cadence

Lost in thoughts as I stared blankly at gray skies above

Unknowingly I continued on as my legs and feet carried me in no particular direction

One… Two… Left… Right…

The bitter cold shown my breath in twilight’s dim glow

While looking around I saw the empty street and no one else

With a laugh barely more than a whisper I came to a stop

One… Two… Left… Right…

Just like it came the moment passed and thus I continued on my long and lonely walk

Not a destination in mind but still I moved and not once did I dare to look back

Almost afraid to admit the truth of the journey

One… Two… Left… Right…



Give Me

In the Raw (this is new)

Long ago I decided not to let the chains that bind me to the earth win

I won't take no for an answer and and I won't settle for anything less than spectacular

I want to get back the life I used to live, get back to a time when I wasn't blinded by the pain

Break through to the other side of misery, put this world in my rear view mirrors

Bring it all back to me: life, love...happiness give me back my smile, wipe away these tears

Shatter these walls and take back the sky give me back what's mine

I used to want to dream, but now I just want to live

Give me a heart that beats, eyes that see, a voice that speaks, legs that stand and feet that walk

I am coming back to life with each passing moment it comes back to me

I feel it's warmth slowly melt away all the pain of yesterday

I feel it deep inside my bones, and inside my chest it swells as breath suddenly returns

I see the stars, they fade away as I regain my strength

My heart it finally beats, my eyes they finally see, I found my legs to stand on

Picking myself back up again learning how to crawl again, and trying too soon to walk

I might stumble, I might miss a step but I won't give in

I won't give the it a backward glance, the chance that I might lose sight again

Of the truth that I long forgot was true

Inspiration/Legacy

Ok so when was I ever this insightful??? I really like this one I think this is easily one of my favorite pieces. Though I think that this was definitely written anywhere between 4-6 years ago I still can't believe this one could have come from me nowadays let alone when I was a hormone driven teenager...

Well here we go then

Inspiration it can come from anywhere, it can reach you even when you’re not awake

In the form of dreams or even in the form of a nightmare but still it is what it is

A single word can inspire to build a great nation and it can make you want to level cities

It’s all it takes to set the world ablaze and crumble regimes but still we all have it inside

We all have a desire to have a purposeful life one that we hope will be remembered

We are only promised today but we all look forward to tomorrow and back on yesterday

We can spend our lives wishing or we can go and be what we want to be

Doing what we want to and fulfilling our greatest dreams and leaving behind our legacies

What will I leave for the generations to come? I will leave a piece of myself

I will leave my words and all my poems in hope that they will inspire someone

In hope that it will be that one thing that someone is looking for when they are down

That is what I will leave for others as my own legacy

December 5th 2009

December 5th, 2009

A day I will not soon forget.

I had been feeling sick for weeks, and this was my doctor’s appointment to get the results of a few blood tests.

The doctor had called me and said I needed to come in to discuss a very urgent matter.

Normally, very few things scare me but believe me you, I was scared shitless that day.

When I got to the doctor’s office, sitting in that clammy waiting room, those fifteen minutes seemed like days.

When my doctor told me, “Francisco, your blood test came back and we need to start you on chemotherapy right away, you have Acute Lymphocytic Leukemia, something that is rare in adults, we have caught it early, and we believe we can put it in remission with the proper treatment.”

My first reaction was disbelief!

How could I of ALL PEOPLE have CANCER?

I barely even get a cold!

How do I tell my parents? My friends? Will I lose my job? HOW THE HELL AM I GOING TO PAY FOR THIS?

I waited a week before telling anyone.

One week of despair, one week of being lost in my own thoughts, one week of feeling like giving up.

You see, Cancer is very sneaky.

You don’t just have to deal with the illness, but it comes with a whole bag of goodies along with it.

Depression is the worst.

Insomnia.

Anxiety.

Lack of appetite.

Bruising.

Pain.

Pain.

Pain.

And even more pain.

Not to mention needle pricks that make you look like a total crack head.

You have no energy.

The smallest activity feels like a week of boot camp.

And the feeling that you are being punished for something horrible.

There was a point during this past year where I gave up.

I lost my job.

My apartment.

My will to continue fighting.

You see the thing about me, I was putting up a very good front.

Smiles, bring more smiles, but only when those smiles are from the heart.

What makes the heart smile? Music.

It has literally been my life support.

My fundraiser was AMAZING.

I can’t thank my friends enough for all the hard work that was put in to make the even a complete success.

My clients, I received a little over $3,000 from mail in donations alone! I could not have continued treatment without their contributions.

Life has a silly way of making you reevaluate yourself and your surroundings.
In the past year I have learned so much about myself and the people around me.

As hard as this has been, I’m glad it happened.
It’s been a year since that day, and I’m proud to say that I’m still going strong as ever.

February is my last scheduled treatment.
Wish me luck everyone.

Thank you all.

I love you very much.

Confession

I have forgotten just how much I used to actually write. These are my very early works from a time when life was a lot simpler. i still remember writing some of these, I hope that ya'll don't mind but I will keep bringing these ancient works out. These may be some very old works but I still believe that these hold value for anyone who might happen to read them. I know that these feelings somehow keep coming up and I know that they may never stop coming up, because we as people will never stop falling in love and at times, albeit regrettably out of love.

Again we stand alone without a word spoken between us and only silence remains

It is as if we say what we need to say without saying it out loud

I can’t bear the silence; I need to let you know, finally, how much I feel for you

I can only hope to break the silence by speaking out, finally shattering my fears

I speak only loud enough for you to hear; my confession is only yours to witness

I can feel the shackles break and fall to the floor as I move closer to you

Making my way from the greatest distance between us was simple

All it took was one word, once I began the rest was easy just like walking

In the end I realized that it was silly for me to hold so much back

I needed to release my restraints, I finally did and my love took flight

Forgettable

This one is all *her* I hate it that this one is not new and fresh tho... Have had this one for a while now even though I think of it as forgettable it's really not. No one can ever forget a block of time more than 5 years long. But One can try and I might just put it behind me soon enough. Life moves on and so must I but looking back and moving forward is a good way to fall flat on my ass. Something that I will not allow myself to do. Well with out further adieu here it is.

Forgettable

Forgetting you were everything to me, you were my waking moment

You were my final thought when I slept at night it was all so real to me

Yet all so false at once, it all was gone as fast it was there

Forgetting what it was that I felt was so easy to do

The last time I thought I of you it was because I remembered how much I hated you

I don’t think that you know it, I have moved on and your spells no longer linger with me

They are all gone and now you are left with out power, left with nothing

In the end you were so forgettable, all too forgettable

La Oscuridad

I've been content with lonlliness for way too long.
Memories blurring becoming a deep abyss of nothingness.
Sadness overwheling the masked feeling of what I thought to be happiness.

Nothing makes sense anymore.

Thoughts too jumbled to know the begginiong from the end.
Darkness filling the once lit path of my stray life.
Falling deeper into everything and nothing at all.

Knowing the darkness is infinate and no one will be there to catch me.

Yes another one!!!!!!

Sleep won’t come to me tonight

I can’t seem to find it and it’s all I want

One night of actual rest the kind that lead to good mornings

No more waking nightmares, no more terrors behind my eyes

Bring me peace, give me life, take my burden and lay it down

Take it all and give me nothingness, silence

Fight to keep from breaking down

Struggling to keep it together when all I want is to breakdown

If at all make it spectacular

Take me to the land of dreams and leave me there

Let it all come down, break down these walls

Come crashing down on me like the pouring rain

Don’t stop me this time, let those tears run down

Don’t say a word, let me fall just this once

Birthday Wish

Since this is December, and December is my birth month, I thought I would go ahead and let you all in on my birthday wish.

My birthday wish isn't anything big, such as world peace. Nor is it anything material, such as a new car.

My birthday wish is something simple, something ordinary, something... normal.

My birthday wish is for me to just be able to relax. To spend some time catching up with old friends. To have a day with nothing bad happening, just a group of people, a few drinks, good conversation, and good laughs.

It isn't too hard to do. It isn't that far out of reach. But yet, it seems like it can't happen.

Some of my closest friends are out of state, others have work. Hell, some of my closest friends aren't even that close anymore.

So is it really too much to ask? Would you really deny me my birthday wish?

Broken

Here I stand alone, staring at the mirror

Not knowing just who’s looking back at me

A stranger with stranger eyes sits there mockingly

Those eyes, empty and cold like frozen lakes

Eyes that turn from ice to fire in a flash

Anger burns white hot, hatred embedded within

Blood makes its way from the surface of my fist

As shards of glass crack and splinter

Landing in pools of my blood

Still standing here unblinking and unchanged

Only broken

Never know what to call these things...

It's corny, I know. Don't judge me!!! LOL hope you like it tho.

She walks into a room and even time has to stop and stare
Breathing suddenly becomes an impossibility
She takes my breath away and I have to get it back
Get it back quick before I end up on the floor

I never seem to get it right, I wish that I could be less predictable

She makes my heart beat faster and I can never help it

Caught a glimpse of her eyes and my heart nearly stopped

It felt as if it would burst out of my chest at any moment

Hope she’d help me put it back, before I pass out

Never knew just how much could happen in an instant

Had I blinked I would have missed it

The moment was here and gone before anyone knew it

A moment that I could chase forever

Not this time, yet I reserve the right to revel in that moment

But life moves forward and I hope I can get past this lump in my chest

Take that first step; let her know the rush I feel when she looks at me

Make her my favorite girl if only she’d let me

Thanks!

I would first of all like to say thanks to Frisco for starting up this lil' blog. I also want to thank all the people who are now contributing to this. Everyone who has posted, read and hopefully shared this blog is helping out. I love to see all the creative juices flowing. Be it emotional, insightful or thoughtful it is inspiring. I know it is inspiring to me so keep it up guys. All of it is amazing to see and I hope we can make this thing take off. Thanks!

Stress, Love, Sympothy, and Joy

I have been on this blog for a bit now. I have. Posted almost every day that I have been here, and some people wonder how I can have so much to say on a blog.

The answer is simple...

You can always write about something. If you have the ability of stringing words together and forming a sentence, you can write.

Granted, the ability to write isn't the only thing needed, you need a subject.

Again, an easy answer...

As long as you have feelings, you will have a subject. Fear, love, respect, distaste... all of these things you can write about.

I write to relieve stress mostly. I tend to have a bad day, sit down with a notebook and a pen and just go to town with ideas and concepts, it's almost an subliminal response to the events of the day. And when I regain composure and control, I look at the paper, and its a poem, or a song, or a page of a book, or a blog post.

All of my actual posts have come original just for this, however all of my poetry and lyrics have been previously written. I don't think I am to the point yet that I will bare my heart openly and commit to a poem directly for this blog, but one day I will, and you will enjoy it. (That is, if you enjoyed my other works)

But I digress, the whole point is, if you feel, if you are even barely smarter than a chimp, you can write. It doesn't have to be fancy, it doesn't have to be flashy, it doesn't even need to make sense... as long as it means something to you, it is a piece of work to be proud of.

That is all for now... this is bildo saying, goodnight, good luck, and happy writing. :)

My Heart is an Open Book

My heart is an open book... At times I wish I could be a little more reserved. I wish I didn't wear my heart on my sleeve.

But I can't change the person that I am. Well, I could if I wanted to... but I won't.

I am strong willed, I am confident, I am educated, I am loyal... the only fault I see is that I tend to fall fast and hard for women.

This has been a good thing and a bad thing. It is a good thing because when I do have a woman, I can love her deeply and purely. But it is a bad thing because I am always setting myself up to be hurt.

My heart is an open book... but it seems to be missing a few pages.

Have you ever loved someone, and they didn't love you in the same way? It is called unrequited love and it is one of the worst feelings in the world.

It would be so much better to just shut off those feelings, to flip a switch and let it all fade away.

I wish it was that simple, but its not.

I can't change... I won't change

My heart is an open book... please don't tear out anymore pages.

A "Thanksgiving Prayer"

This prayer was sent to me from a friend studying in Chile for the year. He got it from an indigenous "pagan" he knows down there. Enjoy:

May the ancients of this great and noble land who were deceived, raped, hunted, murdered, and displaced by our cruel and bigoted ancestors, throw off the shackles of their oppressors. May they cast their irons into the forging fires in order to fuel their righteous quest of truth.

May the ancients of the land resume their rightful stewardship and be returned their thrones.

May the spirits of this beautiful and glorious land who’ve had their glorious virtue choked out by our plundering and raping ancestors, rise up from their places of slumber and subjugation and reclaim what is rightfully theirs. May they rip asunder the choking foundations which poison them and conquer with light and shadow.

May the spirits of the land rise up twixt all places and rebirth their ineffable divinity.

May the stars of this wide and fruitful land who bore witness to the destruction of the immanent majesty by our vile and wrathful ancestors, oversee the toppling of the oppressors prismatic vanity. May they gaze upon Towers of Babble returning to dust during hungry, fiery storms of transformative rebirth.

May the stars of the land rain down their fire and bring forth the seeds of virgin remanifestation.

I am thankful for the Ancestors of this land.
Glory to those who walked this soil first,
And glory to all those who honor their name.

I am thankful for the Spirits of this land.
Glory to those who let us live among them,
And glory to those who never will surrender.

I am thankful for the Stars of this land.
Glory to the starfire which consumes and transforms,
And glory to that which will perpetually create anew.

I am thankful for this land.
I honor it’s ancient stewards,
And I curse those who would subjugate them.

Hopeless Romantics and the People Who Snub Them

Hopeless: desperate; without hope; impossible to acomplish

Romantic: fanciful; unrealistic; passionate

If you look at those two definitions, they actually do fit together... desperate and unrealistic.

Its actually quite sad to be considered a hopless romantic. To be doomed to the same life of unrealistic dreams, and desperate to achieve them... yet without hope.

Is it sad that I still, after knowing the definition, prefer to be a hopeless romantic?

I prefer to have the unrealistc dreams in love and not achieve them than settle.

The love I have, and there is a lot, is unrequited everytime I try to give it, and yet I still try.

Because I believe that one day I will find the one that I can give my love to, and she will return it with the same passion and joy that I have.

Is that a realistic dream?

Or am I just being a hopeless romantic once again?

You're No Better

This is a rather old one that I wrote... ummm... so yeah, here it is...

Time is money
And knowledge is power
When people go to school
They get smarter by the hour
That's a math problem
That won't take Einstein
But you, my friend,
Are a waste of power and time

Movements of time and space
Leave you without a trace
Of your mind or sanity
Leaving only greed and vanity
People mut know
That they don't know
We're all in the same boat
Trying to stay afloat...

Looks can be decieving
Faces can be misleading
All I know is nothing
And you're no better

Vanity is evil
And greed is a sin
I don't battle wits
With unarmed men
You aren't fit
To even shine my shoes
So in the end
Again you lose

Movements of time and space
That dumb look on your face
Leavebyou with no knowledge or time
No money, no power
And all of those with you
Get dumber by the hour
No one will save you
No one will care
And when you need them
No one will be there...

lingering

Trying not to post for the sake of posting lol...

Gimme your takes on it, me being super wrapped up in the moment

A feeling of desire, it lingers here inside of me

I would give anything to hold you again inside my arms

And linger there for just one second holding you so very close

I held you only for a moment’s time but your presence stays with me

I remember how you felt; your skin just grazing mine; so soft to touch

I will remember how we forgot about the whole wide world

Just for one instance in time we knew nothing else but the sweet embrace we shared

I knew that it would have to end but still hoped that it would not

My mind still lingers on that single moment in time

Music

So ok, maybe I watched the AMA's and that inspired me to write this... don't judge me.

Lately, I've been non stop playing music, like almost 24/7 even when I sleep.

And I must say, it's been damn nice. There is a song for every single emotion I have felt.

But I digress, I just want to share a couple of good video's of songs that have just made me feel these past couple weeks.

I hope you feel them as much as I have.

#10 George Watsky- Who's Been Loving You-



#9 Toby Keith- How Do You Like Me Now!-



#8 Angela Be Cool vrs DCUP- We no Speak Americano-



#7 R.E.M.- Losing My Religion-



#6 EMINEM (Ft. Lil' Wayne)- No Love-



#5 George Watsky (Ft. Passion)- I Got This Love-



#4 Brett Dennen- Make You Crazy-



#3 MUSE- Resistance-



#2 Cee Le Green- Fuck You



And my NUMBER ONE Song that I am just HELLA feeling at the moment is this song I just recently discovered.

#1 Joseph Birdsong- I'm Ready-



Feel free to comment, and suggest awesome music!

<3

Reply to "Being Gay(ish)"

Frisco, I have known you for many years. And over the years I have called you by many names, but I don't think that any of them have fit more than when I called you "homosexually questionable."

For those of you who don't know; the definition of homosexually questionable is that we know that he is going to be gay, but we don't know when. It is always assumed that he will be gay, but every once in a while, he will say something completely hetero and catch us all off guard...

But that is besides the point... The point is, you have a wider range of options than I do in the dating scene, as well as the fact that you have probably had more actual dating experience than I have.

One other thing... on the Oprah quote... if you "love yourself" please keep it to yourself... (sorry bud, couldn't resist the joke)

But I believe that my biggest problem with online dating... is the dreaded first message... you never know what to say... you always end up rambling on... much like this post...

Also, Frisco... one more thing to you... with you looking for other men, it is a toss up on who will send that first message. He may send you one or you can send him one... but for a straight man... unless you have a six pack and post many shirtless photos... she isn't making the first move...

Being Gay(ish) and all that Jazz

I sort of come and go with my "level of gay" and recently I've just felt like UBER Gay.

It comes and goes I guess hahaha. I guess I'm never NOT gay, but yeah. IDK

Random thoughts.

I mostly just wanted to share this song and to "reply" to Bildo's last post about online dating.

As some of you may know, I JUST recently signed up for a couple of online sites, and so far...things seem to be going in some sort of a right(ish) direction. At least from what I can tell.

Actual results, well I wouldn't be able to say because it's been way too early for that.

In the gay world, (and I'm sure just the world in general) it seems like everyone kindof already fucked everyone else, so It can get weird st points.

Have I been part of the problem? Yes, I'm sure.

But that's besides the point.

To keep on with the gay theme of this post, Oprah says over and over again, it's ok to just love yourself!

Personally I have been single for quite some time now and although I am ready to start dating again, I HAD to be sure I was absolutely comfortable with being "just me"

Anywho, there is the song!!

I'm obsessed with 5AwesomeGays, and TylerOakley, I just LOVE this song though!

Online Dating

Ok, I feel like I can be straight with you... eventhough I probably don't know most of the people that read this blog. But that is the wonderful power of annonimity that the interweb provides.

After having a woman to lay next to and be close with for four years, then having it end... well after sleeping alone for a while I am feeling a little lonely...

I have hit the bars, the library, the coffee shops... and either I find nothing but women who are taken, not my type, or I get so nervous and awkward that I can't even talk to them...

I have had little successes... got a couple numbers... but it was just as friends... nothing more...

So I decided to turn to online dating.... (duh duh duuuuuuunnnn)

Honestly... after being on the online dating scene, I have found that women on the online dating sites do one of two things... they either lie, or judge...

I am so tired of going to a woman's profile and seeing the phrase, "I live life to the fullest".... What the fuck does that even mean?

I have had many conversations with women on there... and some had been going very well... or so I thought... then out of the blue... every message I send ends up being shown as "read/deleted"

I am tired of the games and the bullshit of online dating... and I need to get back out there... hit the bars... see what is out there for real... who wants to be my wingman? I will return the favor.

If I Died...

I sometimes wonder what would happen if I died today. The thoughts that I have aren't about wat happens to me after I die. Honestly I don't know and don't nessicarily care... I will be dead and I wouldn't be able to change it.

My thoughts are about those who are affected by me... and would be affected by my death.

Who would show up to my funeral? Would they cry?

Who would take some of the lessons that I have shared, verbaly or by the way I live my life, and use them for their own lives?

Would some people even care?

Will they still remember me 10 years down the line? 20? 30?

And the biggest one..... Will I be missed?

I would like to think that people who love me, my close friends and family members, will miss me. That they will remember me. That my life lessons that I leave behind: speak your mind, love with all of your heart, and keep those that you love close to you, will be carried on long after I am gone. But I don't know. But until the day comes, I will continue to believe how I believe, and live how I live, hoping to spread my message and share my life.

The Daily Grind

Today I had this terrible feeling one that I couldn't shake no matter what I was doing
I thought to myself: Why do I do the things that I do?
I then began thinking of all the things that I do
I think about how I wake up every morning and get ready to hit the daily grind
Ride to work, pass the next 4 hours there then ride back home
I am over simplifying but you get the picture, right?
Nothing in between and what for? Is this really what life has is store for me?
I feel like a stranger in my own skin, nothing like the me I like to remember
The younger me, the Alex who had a reason to smile
Back when the days were worth living and love was worth having
Not the hollow empty me who only goes to and fro
Only enough to get through the daily grind
I never thought that I would be able to go to bed with a stranger
But I do it every night when I finally do get to sleep
I would run and hide from this stranger but he's in my skin
I see him in the mirror, his face so familiar but still not me
It goes on and on but the fact of the matter is simple
I am giving everything I can to get through the daily grind
While I lose myself in my self made madness
I can't stand another day of grind, grind, grind
I could grind my teeth to dust and still not be done
But the grind rolls on and on and tomorrow I will be at it again... I hope...

Things That Keep Me Up At Night

I have the habit, as stated before, of having a restless mind. These are a few things that cross my mind when I am trying to sleep.

Why is it that everytime I try to start a serious conversation, some people just blow me off? Do they not care? Are they even smart enough to hold an intellegent conversation?

If our hair and finger nails continue to grow after we die... a zombie would look completely different from how we knew them.

If a woodchuck doesn't chuck wood, why have the name?

A platypuss is proof that God has a sense of humor.

If Jimmy cracked corn and nobody cares, why is there a song about it?

When we die, how long does it take for a spirit to leave the body? Are you still in there watching the paramedic deliver CPR? If so, I hope I get the hot chick.

I never fully understood the another day another dollar phrase, if you only get a dollar a day your job sucks...

Those are just some random thoughts...

I Am Oscar Grant...

I was challenged to write lines, starting with "I am Oscar Grant..." and adding to it every time a video we were watching paused or was interrupted. This is what I got:

I am
Oscar Grant, like
I am,
Liberty Bell cracks,
Like Sean Bell
Clack-clacks,
Ringing in hollowed ear drums
I am Oscar Grant, like
I am hallowed drums
Beating rhythms of life
Into the sunken
Sullen sobs of pops and mom’s
I am
Oscar Grant, like
I am Derrik Jones,
Like I am Malcom and Martin
I am Kendra James
I am Tyisha Miller
I am the millions of quiet voices going violent into the night
Violet and crimson into the earth
Quiet like my birth meant nothing
Like my purpose was to die
Like my purpose was to fight
Like my purpose was to ignite
To burn, to glow, to cause growth
I am Oscar Grant
Like I am the tears
In left behind baby eyes
Like the fluidity in the streets
Hot and liquid
Like I am
The fluidity of movement
Catalyst
Like I am,
The poem, the dance
The song, the chant
You are, as I am,
I am
Oscar Grant.

Johnathen Duran
3:27 pm, November 10th, 2010

AFJROTC

The economy has struck once again. They are now making even more cuts from schools. This time from the ROTC. They are cutting all after school and summer activities from the program. And I believe this is the dumbest move that they can make. As a former ROTC cadet I participated in the drill teams, I took part in all military ball and dining out ceremonies, along with summer leadership and the sports activities (such as softball). Being in those situations I was almost forced to open up socialy. It was because of events, such as military ball, that I have as many younger friends as I do. As a junior, I didn't have classes with sophomores or freshmen, but I had friends in those classes. I had those friends due to drill team, due to military ball, due to dining out. With the emphasis of todays school boards and media being on bullying and self esteem, you would think that they would be doing all they can to create a "team" or "family" atmosphere. But instead they are taking away one of the only things in high school that actually brought underclassmen and seniors together. They can do what they feel they "need" to do, but why make the kids sacrifice a truely integral part of life, the social experiences, the "team" atmosphere, the feeling of belonging?

Toys

"I don't want to grow up, I'm a Toy's R Us Kid"

Who HASN'T seen that commercial?

Personally I have seen it so much that sometimes I can't get that stupid jingle out of my head.

Some people, I think have seen it so much, that it's now been ENGRAVED in their head and they seriously NEVER grown up.

Now ain't that some shit?

These people have gotten so used to not growing up, that they still treat people like TOYS.

New's flash people, its time to grow the fuck up.

I am not made of fucking plastic, (even though some people might have some plastic parts), but I will not be treated like a piece of shit toy you can just play with when you feel like and cast aside when you get bored.

I am worth way more than that $12 bucks you paid for your little action figure.

If you want some action, you need to spend way more than that for me!

Now I'm not just talking money, because I can pay for my own shit, I have a job, I have a home,
what I need you to do is spend more time and effort to make this work.

You are not a Toy's R Us Kid anymore.

It's time to grow up kid.

Much love,

Me

Stay With Me

This is a song that I wrote about 4 years ago. I noticed that my posts have been a little dark, so I thought I would brighten the day with a love song.

I can still feel your fingers
As they trace around my hand
I can still taste your lips
They're sweeter that you understand
I love the way you make me feel
Every second I'm with you
When I see you I wonder
If you feel this way too
Days go by
Faster than I can see
Hopin that you will
Be right here with me
Days go by
And we're living free
I'm hoping that you
Will stay with me
Late night conversations
About nothing and everything
Talking, laughing, silence
Saying nothing but everything
Movies, meals, being together
Together for the sake of us
Things seem to be going our way
Things just for us
Days go by
Faster than I can see
Hopin that you will
Be right here with me
Days go by
And we're living free
I'm hoping that you
Will stay with me
Though we aren't together in body
My heart and mind belong to you
I want to see you everyday
All I can think about is you
Time flys by as days turn to night
And I just want to say
I love you

The Tears of a Clown

One of the things that I have faced over the years was being the goofball of the group. And as the goofball, or clown if you will, you are expected to act and be a certain way.

But the question that I raise is what happens when the clown has a bad day? Does he just swollow it down and keep on smiling? Does he take a day to himself and let it out? Or does he *gasp* dare to show his feelings around those who expect different?

The truth is, no one can be happy all of the time. Good times end and shit happens. You can't fight it. But the true test of strength is on whether or not the "clown" can be human enough to actually show their feelings.

But this is not just a test of the "clown's" strength, it is also a test of the strength of the friendships that they have made. Will the others be upset that the "clown" isn't happy? Will they try to help the "clown" get through their problems? Or the biggest of all, will they even notice?

Insomnia

I don't know about you, but there are many nights that I lay awake. My mind racing with thoughts.

I don't know why but I can't get it to stop. And it isn't about anything in particular. Just random thoughts.

Does anyone know why this happens? If so, does anyone know how to stop it? And if you can get it to stop, why can't I?

Night after night it is always the same damn thing. I lay there, waiting for sleep. But it alludes me, and that makes my brain work even harder.

"Why can't I sleep?" I think to myself. "Why won't my brain stop?"

It is at that point that I realize that I have entered a vicious cycle. I am now thinking about why I can't stop thinking...

A useless effort if there ever was one.

But I guess that this will have to continue. I am doomed to the sleepless nights of a creative, over-thinking, realist, hopless romantic...

UN-sym-PATHETIC

On the outside I'm laughing
But inside I'm ecstatic
Watching you fail again
Was fucking FANTASTIC
I don't mean to sound mean
But I just can't help it
Just one more failure
Proves you're fucking pathetic
I only care because
I know you'd laugh too
But this time it seems
That it happened to you
Now watching TV
My life is complete
Because I now know
You'll wallow in defeat

Losing Sleep

All day long I remember to forget
The life that we had
How we would spend all day in bed
Your head on my chest
But when I'm alone
Sitting at home
Your face comes to me
I lay in bed
Alone again
Trying to sleep
Just another night
No one by my side
I'm losing sleep again
When my thoughts of you
Come into clear view
I'm losing sleep again
And always
Am I wrong for thinking this way
Leave me alone
Got myself right out of my head
And feeling at home
Just another night
No one by my side
I'm losing sleep again
When my thoughts of you
Come into clear view
I'm losing sleep again
And always....

The Phone In My Pocket...

If you’ve ever found yourself looking at your phone

Cuz you “thought” it was vibrating, don’t lie

You know you were looking cuz you wished it were ringing

And it felt like the time was just flying away

You reach in your pocket and realize that it’s only been five minutes

You know you’re obsessing and this shit’s got you stressing

But do it anyway just hoping for that familiar buzzing sound

Just a line or two but its’ more than enough to get you through

Like your next fix it never fails it always fades away

Hoping that it’ll get you through the day

But it don’t and you need another right away

I found myself lost in this world

And I saw myself staring at my phone for an hour or two

I asked myself: is this what it’s reduced me to?

Yep! Oh well I can’t stop now cuz I’m really rolling

Buzz buzz: whatcha doing?

Nothing just chilling (with you filling up my brains

I couldn’t ever tell you but it’s driving me insane)

I would be lying if I said I wish that I could stop this

So don’t stop this, baby hit me with a new one. QUICK!

Let me know

When there is a shutoff valve for the feelings

That gush on out when you tear it out

Let me know so that I can

Stop drowning in the pain that I

Let put me down and that I

Like to swallow up in gulps and I...

Let me know when I can

When I can...

When I can...

DIE

For the one wo took my half heart...

Never thought this was in me but now its here this is for Mai Cha that lying... well I won't call her that but you know what I mean. LOL

Because I have a good nature and a big heart

Its not because I was evil, or had malicious intentions

So much for karma huh? No place for me in the dark

Just cuz, it seems, no real reason for my destruction

No! The universe is not so cruel

We make of it what we can, not the other way around

If I have to ask for the truth then I’m the fool

But I’m not taking this laying down

Power lies with me to make this right

I have to find a better place for you not me

Closest curb in sight

I’m sure that’ll do, it’s plain enough to see

You used to sing me sweetest songs

But now your mouth only furnishes rancor

When did that change? Did it ever? For how long…

Such half-truths, never! You had me in such a fever

Now no second chance will ever do

And now no cure will fix your disease…

Just not...

This one speaks for itself.

I knew it all along I was flawed

No not broken, like the wings of a grounded bird

Flawed by design and not by choice

Looking into the sky for answers

Expecting one to hit me in the face

Leaning far enough to tilt but not far enough to fall

Strong enough to cry just not strong enough to scream

Slipping from day to night, dark enough to see nightmares

Just not dark enough to sleep

Well enough to breathe just not enough to speak

Overwhelmed to the point of suffocation

Feeling that familiar lump inside my throat

The swelling of the tears and the burning of the pain

Emotions running high but just beneath the surface

Anger, agony, guilt, all pain

I will always be the victim of my thoughts

I will always be accomplice to my death

Can’t escape from myself

That kind of freedom is always just outta reach

#28 LOL

I wrote this one like 5-6 years ago or something like that just know it was a SUPER long time ago. I titled it Poem #28. I never gave it an actual title but I still like it.

I can’t hear you over the music blasting in my ears

I only play it loud enough to drown you out

But don’t take it personally I do it when I need space

I am asking you to please step back a few and let me be

Me and my music; I love to sing out loud when no one is around

I can’t even hear myself over the beats that are play in my ear

I can’t tell if I am any good and I know that I can’t hold a note

I really don’t care as long as I am alone with my thoughts

And it’s just me and my music

King or Fool

In class today, we were talking about some Hebrew words.

The word for King, which starts with an L.
The word for Fool (Clown), which starts with an M.

And we were talking about a dream. Where the person was dreaming they were a King of Clowns.

The word for King, like I said starts with an L and then followed by the M,
The word for Fool, stars with an M then is followed by the L.

It was also discussed how the word for head starts with an L then is proceeded by the M,
and how the word for heart, starts with an M then is proceeded by the M,

so it was agreed upon that to be a King, you have to first follow your head, then your heart,
but to be a fool, you follow your heart, then your head.

I guess It would be safe to say, that if the above is true, than I would be the King Of Fools...

oh Philosophy...you intrigue me.

Random Thoughts = This:

Where do you go when your whole world rips itself apart?

When it’s on the verge of collapse?

Is there a place you can go

That can shelter you from the storm?

Is it safe from the flood waters or do you drown in the torrents?

When your world rocks how do you keep in place

All the things that you built

Do let them fall and try to rebuild? Or do you struggle and fight

Just to keep it all alive? I don’t know but here goes nothing

And there will be nothing standing

This is gonna shake you down to the very core

You won’t even know if you can take it anymore

You will feel like I did and maybe even worse

Neither one of us will walk away from this

I will end it before I let it take everything from me

You will see though that there is no end,

No rest, it just goes on and on until all is dead and gone

GPS

Something I wrote because I felt that I was losing my direction and I began writing and this is what came out, I hope when you read this you can relate to it, but mainly just enjoy it.

Life has no direction until you give it one
We are not always in control of life
But we can change its outcome with every decision
We don't get GPS, preprogrammed and ready to go
But that's only because we choose the routes and destinations
We are the mapmakers, the trailblazers and
Some of our friends would call us backseat drivers
Life is exciting, the twists and the turns, the ups and downs
The pins on the map marking each moment, every memory
But because life won’t wait you might just get left behind
So don’t stand around plotting a course Get in, put it in gear and drive

It Gets Better!

This message goes out to all our LGBTQ Youth out there. YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

In fact there are a WHOLE BUNCH OF US out here!

I wanted to take this time to introduce myself for those of you who already don't know me. My Name is Francisco A. Gutierrez, I'm 21 years old and gay. Ever since I can remember I was teased and bullied for being different in school. Now as a child, I wasn't aware of the whole sexuality thing but I had always known I was attracted more to the "boys" in my class. So I always hung out with the girls, and for that I was picked on. I was an outcast. Untouchable.

But I never stopped being who I was, never once caved to the demands of the bullies who picked on me telling me I had to be a man and I couldn't be a sissy. Taunts came and went and as the years went on, sadly they started to work on me as well. In 8th grade, Will C Wood Middle school I thought about committing suicide. And had it not been for the support of some of my close friends [STRAIGHT ALLIES] I probably would not be here writing you this letter.

I came out to myself and to everyone else 10th grade in High School and co-founded the first Gay Straight Alliance on my High School campus, all this while still haven't come out to my parents. My High School career ended by a strong leadership role in the Student Government and Technology House in the school and by being the first Openly gay "Wing Commander" for the Air Force Junior ROTC program. With full support from my advisor Chief Sanborn. Thank you Chief, I could not have done alot of things witout your support.

What I'm trying to say is that mo matter how hard it is now. I PROMISE, WE PROMISE! IT WILL GET BETTER!

Much Love, stay safe!

For those of you who feel like you dont have anyone, or if you need a hand. Check out The Trevor Project. Anytime DAY OR NIGHT! TRUST US IT GETS SO MUCH BETTER!

Our Queer Youth!

September is usually a time of great joy for me. TONS of birthdays, school is in session, the weather finally begins to cool down. But this year it wasn't as pleasant as I would have liked it to be.

This month, Truth Wins Out reports that there have been three teen suicides where the youth was bullied because of their sexual orientation.

This makes me so sad, I remember when I was in high school, coming out was NOT the easiest thing to do, especially in a school with a population of about 2,400 students and a record or high violence between students because of culture, socio-economic standards, gang related incidents, among other things, being gay was just something no one dared to even talk about.

My thoughts and prayers go out to the three teens and their families, Seth Walsh, 13, Tehachapi, CA. Asher Brown, 8th Grader, Houston TX. Tyler Clementi, 18, Rutgers University Student.

Suicide is never the right answer to any problem, but unfortunately these young lives were taken from us too soon and because of bullying and taunting these wonderful people thought they had no other alternative to help them escape the pain and suffering they were dealing with.

To everyone out there who has been teased, by bully's, "friends", teachers, even your parents for being who you are KNOW that there is ALWAYS someone out there who will be willing to lend you an ear if you need to talk, give you a hand if you need some help. Don't even be afraid of being WHO YOU ARE! People will always judge you, but you have to learn to be able to stay strong, not only for yourself, but to be able to teach these other people that you and they are very much alike.

The Trevor Project is an organization that has done tons and tons of good work with the LGBTQ Community dealing with issues like suicide prevention, to questioning your sexuality, to coming out! It's a great organization and I reccomend you check it out!

Challenge Day Org. is an AMAZING anti-bullying and violence prevention program that has received world wide acclaim, being featured on Oprah, and having it's own MTV Special, Challenge Day has come a very long way! This program teaches all it's participants, not just students, but teachers and school administrators alike, to sit down, listen, and feel. They teach you how to speak up, they teach you when to quite down, they teach you that YOU ARE NOT ALONE. They teach you about the importance of a simple hug, and they teach you how to love yourself and how to love one another.

For those interested in learning more about Challenge Day, and about how to get it at your school please visit their website at www.challengeday.org for more information.

I encourage you all to always be available to your friends and family members, you never know someday they might need you to listen. And who knows maybe you can be a hero to someone and help them by allowing them the opportunity to live and grow alongside you.

To the world you may be just one person, but to one person, you may just be their world!

Much Love to ALL my people.

Until next time.

xoxo- Francisco