Thanks!

I would first of all like to say thanks to Frisco for starting up this lil' blog. I also want to thank all the people who are now contributing to this. Everyone who has posted, read and hopefully shared this blog is helping out. I love to see all the creative juices flowing. Be it emotional, insightful or thoughtful it is inspiring. I know it is inspiring to me so keep it up guys. All of it is amazing to see and I hope we can make this thing take off. Thanks!

Stress, Love, Sympothy, and Joy

I have been on this blog for a bit now. I have. Posted almost every day that I have been here, and some people wonder how I can have so much to say on a blog.

The answer is simple...

You can always write about something. If you have the ability of stringing words together and forming a sentence, you can write.

Granted, the ability to write isn't the only thing needed, you need a subject.

Again, an easy answer...

As long as you have feelings, you will have a subject. Fear, love, respect, distaste... all of these things you can write about.

I write to relieve stress mostly. I tend to have a bad day, sit down with a notebook and a pen and just go to town with ideas and concepts, it's almost an subliminal response to the events of the day. And when I regain composure and control, I look at the paper, and its a poem, or a song, or a page of a book, or a blog post.

All of my actual posts have come original just for this, however all of my poetry and lyrics have been previously written. I don't think I am to the point yet that I will bare my heart openly and commit to a poem directly for this blog, but one day I will, and you will enjoy it. (That is, if you enjoyed my other works)

But I digress, the whole point is, if you feel, if you are even barely smarter than a chimp, you can write. It doesn't have to be fancy, it doesn't have to be flashy, it doesn't even need to make sense... as long as it means something to you, it is a piece of work to be proud of.

That is all for now... this is bildo saying, goodnight, good luck, and happy writing. :)

My Heart is an Open Book

My heart is an open book... At times I wish I could be a little more reserved. I wish I didn't wear my heart on my sleeve.

But I can't change the person that I am. Well, I could if I wanted to... but I won't.

I am strong willed, I am confident, I am educated, I am loyal... the only fault I see is that I tend to fall fast and hard for women.

This has been a good thing and a bad thing. It is a good thing because when I do have a woman, I can love her deeply and purely. But it is a bad thing because I am always setting myself up to be hurt.

My heart is an open book... but it seems to be missing a few pages.

Have you ever loved someone, and they didn't love you in the same way? It is called unrequited love and it is one of the worst feelings in the world.

It would be so much better to just shut off those feelings, to flip a switch and let it all fade away.

I wish it was that simple, but its not.

I can't change... I won't change

My heart is an open book... please don't tear out anymore pages.

A "Thanksgiving Prayer"

This prayer was sent to me from a friend studying in Chile for the year. He got it from an indigenous "pagan" he knows down there. Enjoy:

May the ancients of this great and noble land who were deceived, raped, hunted, murdered, and displaced by our cruel and bigoted ancestors, throw off the shackles of their oppressors. May they cast their irons into the forging fires in order to fuel their righteous quest of truth.

May the ancients of the land resume their rightful stewardship and be returned their thrones.

May the spirits of this beautiful and glorious land who’ve had their glorious virtue choked out by our plundering and raping ancestors, rise up from their places of slumber and subjugation and reclaim what is rightfully theirs. May they rip asunder the choking foundations which poison them and conquer with light and shadow.

May the spirits of the land rise up twixt all places and rebirth their ineffable divinity.

May the stars of this wide and fruitful land who bore witness to the destruction of the immanent majesty by our vile and wrathful ancestors, oversee the toppling of the oppressors prismatic vanity. May they gaze upon Towers of Babble returning to dust during hungry, fiery storms of transformative rebirth.

May the stars of the land rain down their fire and bring forth the seeds of virgin remanifestation.

I am thankful for the Ancestors of this land.
Glory to those who walked this soil first,
And glory to all those who honor their name.

I am thankful for the Spirits of this land.
Glory to those who let us live among them,
And glory to those who never will surrender.

I am thankful for the Stars of this land.
Glory to the starfire which consumes and transforms,
And glory to that which will perpetually create anew.

I am thankful for this land.
I honor it’s ancient stewards,
And I curse those who would subjugate them.

Hopeless Romantics and the People Who Snub Them

Hopeless: desperate; without hope; impossible to acomplish

Romantic: fanciful; unrealistic; passionate

If you look at those two definitions, they actually do fit together... desperate and unrealistic.

Its actually quite sad to be considered a hopless romantic. To be doomed to the same life of unrealistic dreams, and desperate to achieve them... yet without hope.

Is it sad that I still, after knowing the definition, prefer to be a hopeless romantic?

I prefer to have the unrealistc dreams in love and not achieve them than settle.

The love I have, and there is a lot, is unrequited everytime I try to give it, and yet I still try.

Because I believe that one day I will find the one that I can give my love to, and she will return it with the same passion and joy that I have.

Is that a realistic dream?

Or am I just being a hopeless romantic once again?

You're No Better

This is a rather old one that I wrote... ummm... so yeah, here it is...

Time is money
And knowledge is power
When people go to school
They get smarter by the hour
That's a math problem
That won't take Einstein
But you, my friend,
Are a waste of power and time

Movements of time and space
Leave you without a trace
Of your mind or sanity
Leaving only greed and vanity
People mut know
That they don't know
We're all in the same boat
Trying to stay afloat...

Looks can be decieving
Faces can be misleading
All I know is nothing
And you're no better

Vanity is evil
And greed is a sin
I don't battle wits
With unarmed men
You aren't fit
To even shine my shoes
So in the end
Again you lose

Movements of time and space
That dumb look on your face
Leavebyou with no knowledge or time
No money, no power
And all of those with you
Get dumber by the hour
No one will save you
No one will care
And when you need them
No one will be there...

lingering

Trying not to post for the sake of posting lol...

Gimme your takes on it, me being super wrapped up in the moment

A feeling of desire, it lingers here inside of me

I would give anything to hold you again inside my arms

And linger there for just one second holding you so very close

I held you only for a moment’s time but your presence stays with me

I remember how you felt; your skin just grazing mine; so soft to touch

I will remember how we forgot about the whole wide world

Just for one instance in time we knew nothing else but the sweet embrace we shared

I knew that it would have to end but still hoped that it would not

My mind still lingers on that single moment in time

Music

So ok, maybe I watched the AMA's and that inspired me to write this... don't judge me.

Lately, I've been non stop playing music, like almost 24/7 even when I sleep.

And I must say, it's been damn nice. There is a song for every single emotion I have felt.

But I digress, I just want to share a couple of good video's of songs that have just made me feel these past couple weeks.

I hope you feel them as much as I have.

#10 George Watsky- Who's Been Loving You-



#9 Toby Keith- How Do You Like Me Now!-



#8 Angela Be Cool vrs DCUP- We no Speak Americano-



#7 R.E.M.- Losing My Religion-



#6 EMINEM (Ft. Lil' Wayne)- No Love-



#5 George Watsky (Ft. Passion)- I Got This Love-



#4 Brett Dennen- Make You Crazy-



#3 MUSE- Resistance-



#2 Cee Le Green- Fuck You



And my NUMBER ONE Song that I am just HELLA feeling at the moment is this song I just recently discovered.

#1 Joseph Birdsong- I'm Ready-



Feel free to comment, and suggest awesome music!

<3

Reply to "Being Gay(ish)"

Frisco, I have known you for many years. And over the years I have called you by many names, but I don't think that any of them have fit more than when I called you "homosexually questionable."

For those of you who don't know; the definition of homosexually questionable is that we know that he is going to be gay, but we don't know when. It is always assumed that he will be gay, but every once in a while, he will say something completely hetero and catch us all off guard...

But that is besides the point... The point is, you have a wider range of options than I do in the dating scene, as well as the fact that you have probably had more actual dating experience than I have.

One other thing... on the Oprah quote... if you "love yourself" please keep it to yourself... (sorry bud, couldn't resist the joke)

But I believe that my biggest problem with online dating... is the dreaded first message... you never know what to say... you always end up rambling on... much like this post...

Also, Frisco... one more thing to you... with you looking for other men, it is a toss up on who will send that first message. He may send you one or you can send him one... but for a straight man... unless you have a six pack and post many shirtless photos... she isn't making the first move...

Being Gay(ish) and all that Jazz

I sort of come and go with my "level of gay" and recently I've just felt like UBER Gay.

It comes and goes I guess hahaha. I guess I'm never NOT gay, but yeah. IDK

Random thoughts.

I mostly just wanted to share this song and to "reply" to Bildo's last post about online dating.

As some of you may know, I JUST recently signed up for a couple of online sites, and so far...things seem to be going in some sort of a right(ish) direction. At least from what I can tell.

Actual results, well I wouldn't be able to say because it's been way too early for that.

In the gay world, (and I'm sure just the world in general) it seems like everyone kindof already fucked everyone else, so It can get weird st points.

Have I been part of the problem? Yes, I'm sure.

But that's besides the point.

To keep on with the gay theme of this post, Oprah says over and over again, it's ok to just love yourself!

Personally I have been single for quite some time now and although I am ready to start dating again, I HAD to be sure I was absolutely comfortable with being "just me"

Anywho, there is the song!!

I'm obsessed with 5AwesomeGays, and TylerOakley, I just LOVE this song though!

Online Dating

Ok, I feel like I can be straight with you... eventhough I probably don't know most of the people that read this blog. But that is the wonderful power of annonimity that the interweb provides.

After having a woman to lay next to and be close with for four years, then having it end... well after sleeping alone for a while I am feeling a little lonely...

I have hit the bars, the library, the coffee shops... and either I find nothing but women who are taken, not my type, or I get so nervous and awkward that I can't even talk to them...

I have had little successes... got a couple numbers... but it was just as friends... nothing more...

So I decided to turn to online dating.... (duh duh duuuuuuunnnn)

Honestly... after being on the online dating scene, I have found that women on the online dating sites do one of two things... they either lie, or judge...

I am so tired of going to a woman's profile and seeing the phrase, "I live life to the fullest".... What the fuck does that even mean?

I have had many conversations with women on there... and some had been going very well... or so I thought... then out of the blue... every message I send ends up being shown as "read/deleted"

I am tired of the games and the bullshit of online dating... and I need to get back out there... hit the bars... see what is out there for real... who wants to be my wingman? I will return the favor.

If I Died...

I sometimes wonder what would happen if I died today. The thoughts that I have aren't about wat happens to me after I die. Honestly I don't know and don't nessicarily care... I will be dead and I wouldn't be able to change it.

My thoughts are about those who are affected by me... and would be affected by my death.

Who would show up to my funeral? Would they cry?

Who would take some of the lessons that I have shared, verbaly or by the way I live my life, and use them for their own lives?

Would some people even care?

Will they still remember me 10 years down the line? 20? 30?

And the biggest one..... Will I be missed?

I would like to think that people who love me, my close friends and family members, will miss me. That they will remember me. That my life lessons that I leave behind: speak your mind, love with all of your heart, and keep those that you love close to you, will be carried on long after I am gone. But I don't know. But until the day comes, I will continue to believe how I believe, and live how I live, hoping to spread my message and share my life.

The Daily Grind

Today I had this terrible feeling one that I couldn't shake no matter what I was doing
I thought to myself: Why do I do the things that I do?
I then began thinking of all the things that I do
I think about how I wake up every morning and get ready to hit the daily grind
Ride to work, pass the next 4 hours there then ride back home
I am over simplifying but you get the picture, right?
Nothing in between and what for? Is this really what life has is store for me?
I feel like a stranger in my own skin, nothing like the me I like to remember
The younger me, the Alex who had a reason to smile
Back when the days were worth living and love was worth having
Not the hollow empty me who only goes to and fro
Only enough to get through the daily grind
I never thought that I would be able to go to bed with a stranger
But I do it every night when I finally do get to sleep
I would run and hide from this stranger but he's in my skin
I see him in the mirror, his face so familiar but still not me
It goes on and on but the fact of the matter is simple
I am giving everything I can to get through the daily grind
While I lose myself in my self made madness
I can't stand another day of grind, grind, grind
I could grind my teeth to dust and still not be done
But the grind rolls on and on and tomorrow I will be at it again... I hope...

Things That Keep Me Up At Night

I have the habit, as stated before, of having a restless mind. These are a few things that cross my mind when I am trying to sleep.

Why is it that everytime I try to start a serious conversation, some people just blow me off? Do they not care? Are they even smart enough to hold an intellegent conversation?

If our hair and finger nails continue to grow after we die... a zombie would look completely different from how we knew them.

If a woodchuck doesn't chuck wood, why have the name?

A platypuss is proof that God has a sense of humor.

If Jimmy cracked corn and nobody cares, why is there a song about it?

When we die, how long does it take for a spirit to leave the body? Are you still in there watching the paramedic deliver CPR? If so, I hope I get the hot chick.

I never fully understood the another day another dollar phrase, if you only get a dollar a day your job sucks...

Those are just some random thoughts...

I Am Oscar Grant...

I was challenged to write lines, starting with "I am Oscar Grant..." and adding to it every time a video we were watching paused or was interrupted. This is what I got:

I am
Oscar Grant, like
I am,
Liberty Bell cracks,
Like Sean Bell
Clack-clacks,
Ringing in hollowed ear drums
I am Oscar Grant, like
I am hallowed drums
Beating rhythms of life
Into the sunken
Sullen sobs of pops and mom’s
I am
Oscar Grant, like
I am Derrik Jones,
Like I am Malcom and Martin
I am Kendra James
I am Tyisha Miller
I am the millions of quiet voices going violent into the night
Violet and crimson into the earth
Quiet like my birth meant nothing
Like my purpose was to die
Like my purpose was to fight
Like my purpose was to ignite
To burn, to glow, to cause growth
I am Oscar Grant
Like I am the tears
In left behind baby eyes
Like the fluidity in the streets
Hot and liquid
Like I am
The fluidity of movement
Catalyst
Like I am,
The poem, the dance
The song, the chant
You are, as I am,
I am
Oscar Grant.

Johnathen Duran
3:27 pm, November 10th, 2010

AFJROTC

The economy has struck once again. They are now making even more cuts from schools. This time from the ROTC. They are cutting all after school and summer activities from the program. And I believe this is the dumbest move that they can make. As a former ROTC cadet I participated in the drill teams, I took part in all military ball and dining out ceremonies, along with summer leadership and the sports activities (such as softball). Being in those situations I was almost forced to open up socialy. It was because of events, such as military ball, that I have as many younger friends as I do. As a junior, I didn't have classes with sophomores or freshmen, but I had friends in those classes. I had those friends due to drill team, due to military ball, due to dining out. With the emphasis of todays school boards and media being on bullying and self esteem, you would think that they would be doing all they can to create a "team" or "family" atmosphere. But instead they are taking away one of the only things in high school that actually brought underclassmen and seniors together. They can do what they feel they "need" to do, but why make the kids sacrifice a truely integral part of life, the social experiences, the "team" atmosphere, the feeling of belonging?

Toys

"I don't want to grow up, I'm a Toy's R Us Kid"

Who HASN'T seen that commercial?

Personally I have seen it so much that sometimes I can't get that stupid jingle out of my head.

Some people, I think have seen it so much, that it's now been ENGRAVED in their head and they seriously NEVER grown up.

Now ain't that some shit?

These people have gotten so used to not growing up, that they still treat people like TOYS.

New's flash people, its time to grow the fuck up.

I am not made of fucking plastic, (even though some people might have some plastic parts), but I will not be treated like a piece of shit toy you can just play with when you feel like and cast aside when you get bored.

I am worth way more than that $12 bucks you paid for your little action figure.

If you want some action, you need to spend way more than that for me!

Now I'm not just talking money, because I can pay for my own shit, I have a job, I have a home,
what I need you to do is spend more time and effort to make this work.

You are not a Toy's R Us Kid anymore.

It's time to grow up kid.

Much love,

Me

Stay With Me

This is a song that I wrote about 4 years ago. I noticed that my posts have been a little dark, so I thought I would brighten the day with a love song.

I can still feel your fingers
As they trace around my hand
I can still taste your lips
They're sweeter that you understand
I love the way you make me feel
Every second I'm with you
When I see you I wonder
If you feel this way too
Days go by
Faster than I can see
Hopin that you will
Be right here with me
Days go by
And we're living free
I'm hoping that you
Will stay with me
Late night conversations
About nothing and everything
Talking, laughing, silence
Saying nothing but everything
Movies, meals, being together
Together for the sake of us
Things seem to be going our way
Things just for us
Days go by
Faster than I can see
Hopin that you will
Be right here with me
Days go by
And we're living free
I'm hoping that you
Will stay with me
Though we aren't together in body
My heart and mind belong to you
I want to see you everyday
All I can think about is you
Time flys by as days turn to night
And I just want to say
I love you

The Tears of a Clown

One of the things that I have faced over the years was being the goofball of the group. And as the goofball, or clown if you will, you are expected to act and be a certain way.

But the question that I raise is what happens when the clown has a bad day? Does he just swollow it down and keep on smiling? Does he take a day to himself and let it out? Or does he *gasp* dare to show his feelings around those who expect different?

The truth is, no one can be happy all of the time. Good times end and shit happens. You can't fight it. But the true test of strength is on whether or not the "clown" can be human enough to actually show their feelings.

But this is not just a test of the "clown's" strength, it is also a test of the strength of the friendships that they have made. Will the others be upset that the "clown" isn't happy? Will they try to help the "clown" get through their problems? Or the biggest of all, will they even notice?

Insomnia

I don't know about you, but there are many nights that I lay awake. My mind racing with thoughts.

I don't know why but I can't get it to stop. And it isn't about anything in particular. Just random thoughts.

Does anyone know why this happens? If so, does anyone know how to stop it? And if you can get it to stop, why can't I?

Night after night it is always the same damn thing. I lay there, waiting for sleep. But it alludes me, and that makes my brain work even harder.

"Why can't I sleep?" I think to myself. "Why won't my brain stop?"

It is at that point that I realize that I have entered a vicious cycle. I am now thinking about why I can't stop thinking...

A useless effort if there ever was one.

But I guess that this will have to continue. I am doomed to the sleepless nights of a creative, over-thinking, realist, hopless romantic...

UN-sym-PATHETIC

On the outside I'm laughing
But inside I'm ecstatic
Watching you fail again
Was fucking FANTASTIC
I don't mean to sound mean
But I just can't help it
Just one more failure
Proves you're fucking pathetic
I only care because
I know you'd laugh too
But this time it seems
That it happened to you
Now watching TV
My life is complete
Because I now know
You'll wallow in defeat

Losing Sleep

All day long I remember to forget
The life that we had
How we would spend all day in bed
Your head on my chest
But when I'm alone
Sitting at home
Your face comes to me
I lay in bed
Alone again
Trying to sleep
Just another night
No one by my side
I'm losing sleep again
When my thoughts of you
Come into clear view
I'm losing sleep again
And always
Am I wrong for thinking this way
Leave me alone
Got myself right out of my head
And feeling at home
Just another night
No one by my side
I'm losing sleep again
When my thoughts of you
Come into clear view
I'm losing sleep again
And always....

The Phone In My Pocket...

If you’ve ever found yourself looking at your phone

Cuz you “thought” it was vibrating, don’t lie

You know you were looking cuz you wished it were ringing

And it felt like the time was just flying away

You reach in your pocket and realize that it’s only been five minutes

You know you’re obsessing and this shit’s got you stressing

But do it anyway just hoping for that familiar buzzing sound

Just a line or two but its’ more than enough to get you through

Like your next fix it never fails it always fades away

Hoping that it’ll get you through the day

But it don’t and you need another right away

I found myself lost in this world

And I saw myself staring at my phone for an hour or two

I asked myself: is this what it’s reduced me to?

Yep! Oh well I can’t stop now cuz I’m really rolling

Buzz buzz: whatcha doing?

Nothing just chilling (with you filling up my brains

I couldn’t ever tell you but it’s driving me insane)

I would be lying if I said I wish that I could stop this

So don’t stop this, baby hit me with a new one. QUICK!

Let me know

When there is a shutoff valve for the feelings

That gush on out when you tear it out

Let me know so that I can

Stop drowning in the pain that I

Let put me down and that I

Like to swallow up in gulps and I...

Let me know when I can

When I can...

When I can...

DIE

For the one wo took my half heart...

Never thought this was in me but now its here this is for Mai Cha that lying... well I won't call her that but you know what I mean. LOL

Because I have a good nature and a big heart

Its not because I was evil, or had malicious intentions

So much for karma huh? No place for me in the dark

Just cuz, it seems, no real reason for my destruction

No! The universe is not so cruel

We make of it what we can, not the other way around

If I have to ask for the truth then I’m the fool

But I’m not taking this laying down

Power lies with me to make this right

I have to find a better place for you not me

Closest curb in sight

I’m sure that’ll do, it’s plain enough to see

You used to sing me sweetest songs

But now your mouth only furnishes rancor

When did that change? Did it ever? For how long…

Such half-truths, never! You had me in such a fever

Now no second chance will ever do

And now no cure will fix your disease…

Just not...

This one speaks for itself.

I knew it all along I was flawed

No not broken, like the wings of a grounded bird

Flawed by design and not by choice

Looking into the sky for answers

Expecting one to hit me in the face

Leaning far enough to tilt but not far enough to fall

Strong enough to cry just not strong enough to scream

Slipping from day to night, dark enough to see nightmares

Just not dark enough to sleep

Well enough to breathe just not enough to speak

Overwhelmed to the point of suffocation

Feeling that familiar lump inside my throat

The swelling of the tears and the burning of the pain

Emotions running high but just beneath the surface

Anger, agony, guilt, all pain

I will always be the victim of my thoughts

I will always be accomplice to my death

Can’t escape from myself

That kind of freedom is always just outta reach

#28 LOL

I wrote this one like 5-6 years ago or something like that just know it was a SUPER long time ago. I titled it Poem #28. I never gave it an actual title but I still like it.

I can’t hear you over the music blasting in my ears

I only play it loud enough to drown you out

But don’t take it personally I do it when I need space

I am asking you to please step back a few and let me be

Me and my music; I love to sing out loud when no one is around

I can’t even hear myself over the beats that are play in my ear

I can’t tell if I am any good and I know that I can’t hold a note

I really don’t care as long as I am alone with my thoughts

And it’s just me and my music