Untitled Thoughts, Aug 23 2007

As I sit and try to sort through the endless emotions running through my being,
I cant help but realize that things will never be the way they used to be.
The smile adorned across your face every time I walked into the room, the softness of your cheek as it lay ever so delicately upon my own.

I sit here, attempting to stop the lonely tear from rolling down my cheek, I remember when we said that we wouldn’t make each other cry, but look at us now, we are both crying once again.
People ALWAYS say things happen for a reason, yet I cant seem to fathom the reality of you being away from me, never to come back into to my forever open arms.

I remember you once told me that the eyes were the windows to one’s soul, I remember sitting in front of you gazing into your starry eyes, looking at the beauty within, seeing for once in my life something other than pretty eyes, but seeing you as a person, looking back at me, and you smiled. And we kissed

I close my eyes now, to keep the tears from falling, but my soul can no longer take the pain.

They open, and I cry, my last tears for you.

Promise myself I will never let this happen again.

I pick up the phone and dial the number… never achieving the courage to press the call button, I put the phone down again.

Walk to the mirror in the bathroom, look at the droopy eyed, sleep deprived thing staring back.

I yell out to the world,"You told me you would never cause me this much pain! I can only hope you can one day feel what I feel, right now."

I pick up the blade, and with one sure clean cut,
release….

New Year...New Challenges

So we start a new year...a new decade has finally come and I am trying to look upon it with bright eyes. 2009 leaves me with loads of unforgettable moments that have forever changed my life. From love, to travels, and of course sickness I start 2010 a little heavy hearted.

I can't help but remember how easy it was before, I had my parents to rely on, didn't have to worry about anything but a mere $200 a month, and now that has gone up almost 500%.

Not to say my parents aren't helping me anymore but they too are seeing it difficult, I don't know if this might make me seem naive that I have had it pretty well before and didn't really see a struggle when it came to finances but I am really having a hard time with the fact that I am broke.

One of the things that really got to me, was this Christmas, Last year I spent about $1,600 on Xmas gifts, I had adopted 3 families for the Dear Santa program with the post office and gave gifts to my friends and fam, and decided to buy things for me at the thrift store and extremely discounted clearance items. Why? Because it made me feel good to see the smiles of the kids faces when they actually got what they had asked for.

What did I do this year? NOTHING, I barely had enough money to buy the one gift for my family secret santa.

I don't know if this makes me seem immature, but I just needed to rant a little bit. I hate this feeling of not being able to do anything. 2010, I really need you to bring me a little bit of that good karma my way, all I need is a little pick me up, especially with my health.

An update on THAT issue, so far I haven't been feeling worse, but I haven't been feeling all that great either, BUT that's not bad news, It means the medicine seems to be stopping the bad joo-joo. Wish me luck, first blood test on Monday!

Hope this year brings all my loved ones closer together, Love you guys a whole lot. Thanks for taking the time to read this. MUAH!